we live in two landscapes.

it always rains

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 12:35:56 -0600

i am currently tasting
strawberries and mint, the sun
is out and my feet are bare.
my old room is the same,
the walls are empty, my sister is
so skinny now, but the rabbit is bigger
and chews on the baseboards all day.

lately i do not know what to feel.
i can drive twenty minutes and see the atlantic,
smell that salt and surge beneath my hands,
the one thing that makes it even possible
to be a little weightless.
i have not heard your voice in over
a week. i sleep diagonally;
there is too much space
in my space and the bed can manage.
it always rains this time of year anyways.

i am like a hotel room or a watering can.
this throwaway life is not enough.

the antlers - epilogue

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 09:40:54 -0600

the antlers - epilogue

i am back in charleston until further notice. it’s a very...

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 09:55:17 -0600

i am back in charleston until further notice. it’s a very long story.

spent the last two days driving through near-constant rain, another 1,125 miles traveled in a more familiar direction but i still feel lost. my car is sick of this shit. fell asleep at 2am this morning; sat up all night talking with sarah. there is only one present under the tree for me this year, and it’s still wet outside.

happy holidays.

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2009-12-20)

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:50:56 -0600

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2009-12-20):

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

sufjan stevens - holland

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 11:14:56 -0600

sufjan stevens - holland

keep me warm

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 11:05:39 -0600

sleeping it off,
too much wine yesterday and still i
need some more, need to be rid
of this goddamn pain i can feel
you everywhere.

i put some polaroids up on my wall
three nights ago, people i miss
people i’ve kissed
people anyone would be dying
to know better. my friends bring
me fortune, keep me warm,
call me to say they’re worried.

“be the bear, whatever it takes.”
oleson said that once to all of us.
i pour another glass, take up
some heat, hibernate through the sunlight
and arrange my thoughts in the quiet.
you’re not coming home.

i close my eyes.

i am not moving to santa cruz anymore.my heart hurts.please....

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 09:59:49 -0600

i am not moving to santa cruz anymore.
my heart hurts.

please. make it stop.

Photo

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 02:35:00 -0600

formspring pt.5

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 02:27:16 -0600

you have beautiful collar bones. why are you living like a vagabond this year? can you touch on the family history that seems to haunt you?

thank you very much, i quite like them as well… this made me smile, by the way.

i suppose the two questions you asked go hand in hand. i’m living like a nomad this year because i’ve been moving around way too much, just trying to find my footing. like i mentioned in a previous response, it hasn’t been too bad having this year off, it just took a while to find someplace to connect to in the tiniest way. i hope next year is better.

my family has been broken for quite some time and it reached a climax last summer when my parents divorced. unfortunately, things only seem to get better for a short while and then it’s back to the bullshit. i don’t like to reveal too much about my current personal life, but i can say that growing up, i was scared of damn near everything. my parents fought constantly and my sisters and i were subject to a lot of verbal and emotional abuse, which is exactly why i don’t fight with anyone these days and i’m a relatively calm and sensible person. i learned the hard way to be quiet and respectful. over the past few years, a lot of skeletons have come out of my family’s closet and it has been hell trying to figure out how i can see anyone the same way. lucky for me, i am incredibly close to my sisters and they are much stronger than anyone i know; all three of us have seen each other through hospital trips, drug and alcohol abuse, shitty boyfriends, car accidents, and depression. i can say with absolute certainty that i wouldn’t be alive if i didn’t have them in my life.

when someone gets close to me, they get all of me. i don’t know any other way to love. both my sisters are the same way, and i am realizing that we are a rare breed. lately my family has been trying hard to get better, really trying hard to compromise effectively and make everyone happy. it’s taking time and i hope it sticks.

don’t stop.

all my sharp words

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 00:22:50 -0600

had a soak in the bathtub tonight
with some red wine and a cigarette,
lights down low,
it was the first time i’d felt
attractive in days.

i’m back to being all artistic and shit,
working on paintings and buying more journals
as if i knew what i was doing.
i really don’t.
i am my only distraction.
the dull roar, your tongue in my mouth,
spiders won’t stay in their webs and yes,
i’m still on the line.
the only thing i can think to do is try and
forget about my heart for a little while.
my stupid little heart.

listening to autolux all day
making adventures out of errands and
eating all my sharp words when i talk
about you.
it’s the best i can do.

mewithoutyou - tie me up! untie me! …it goes on, but...

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 00:10:02 -0600

mewithoutyou - tie me up! untie me!

…it goes on, but it’s old.

i now have a google voice number.

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:16:00 -0600

(843) 879-8532

text all you want, call and leave a message, i would love to hear your voice.

make me smile.

(via sabino)

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 21:17:10 -0600

(via sabino)

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 21:15:44 -0600

(via sabino)

not so cold

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:48:59 -0600

driving back from the chinese restaurant
i dance in the car to songs
i used to know all the words to.
before i ate i got drunk,
red wine and wheat beer and anything else that
makes me forget things for a while.
it’s not so cold anymore but the
tangerine sucker makes my lips go numb.

the lights flicker red green bright,
they can’t break the routine either.
i don’t know what i’m doing.
my thoughts are everywhere but i
am still here, in just one spot.
it’s december and i hate it but i got
you something and i hope
you’ll be happy with me,
hope you know that i miss you.
my teeth feel broken and my chest
is trying to catch up.

secret machines - daddy’s in the doldrums this band makes...

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:51:11 -0600

secret machines - daddy’s in the doldrums

this band makes me feel invincible sometimes. this song is best played LOUD.

this is what the sky looked like yesterday evening. no editing,...

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:34:22 -0600

this is what the sky looked like yesterday evening. no editing, not kidding.

formspring pt.4

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 01:46:00 -0600

do blondes have more fun?

it depends. i’ve dyed my hair virtually every color, i’ve cut it to an inch short and let it grow a foot past my shoulders, i will fluff up my natural curls and yet i still love to straighten it. no matter what i do to my poor hair, i always end up returning back to my blonde… probably because it simply makes me happy. it makes me a bit more carefree, more accepting of what’s happening, more easygoing. so for me, the answer is yes. but i can’t speak for all the fair-haired folk.

what is your biggest fear?

to one day look back and see i’ve lived, but without being bold in finding my purpose. already there have been so many opportunities where i didn’t speak up for myself, didn’t rise to the occasion to prove to someone else that i was worthwhile. i have no idea why i’m here, why i exist at all. the only thing i know i should do with my life (besides anything creative) is to be kind and love other people with my whole heart. maybe that’s my purpose, i don’t know.

i am really lucky. i have spent the majority of this year totally broke, sleeping on floors and sofas, moving around so much i can’t remember my phone number, and dealing with the fact that i basically have no plans for my life and no place to call home. despite this, my optimism always comes back. my sisters somehow manage to escape our family’s past, and their support is what makes me strong. i have to believe that everything around me means something, that i am living and feeling and breathing for a reason. i guess i’m just hoping that somewhere along the way, the things i do and the words i speak will have permanence. i am not afraid of living my life, i am only afraid of not living it well.

so, here’s to big hearts and taking chances.

let’s keep talking.

Video

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 23:34:53 -0600

the american analog set - the postman

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:06:57 -0600

the american analog set - the postman